We live in a society where we know what our neighbour down the street had for breakfast or what our ex's new girlfriend looks like. More to the point, we log on to search for this information!
So it seems only fitting that today I post the link to my Blog on my Face Book page and shout from the rooftops about what i'm doing.
But for those of you who may ask why, I write this post today....
I am not overweight. I know this. But I do have a bad relationship towards food and I would call myself a classic binge/emotional eater. I turn to food in moments of need or when i'm feeling stressed for a quick fix and since moving to Australia, these moments have become more frequent.
Why I hear you ask? I mean you're surrounded by beaches Emma, sunshine 9 months of the year, you have an amazing job, wonderful friends, the cutest puppy. What could you possibly have to moan about?
Don't get me wrong, I hear what you're saying!! I often ask myself the same thing, over and over and over again. I often bury what i'm feeling to those around me, choosing to suck it up and put it down to feeling a bit tired or having a bad day. But not dealing with how i'm feeling and being honest about it is what leads me to have these binge moments. I let it all build up inside until it becomes too much and I can't control it instead of dealing with the problem face on.
I'm telling you all of this today because I had one of these very moments last night.
On Saturday night I had a cosy night in planned with my puppy and housemates dog. They had gone out to watch a show and as I had a 4am start the next day, I was looking forward to a movie and an early night. At about 8.30pm my puppy was stung in the face by a bee and reacted badly. She couldn't breath properly and her whole face blew up with swelling. I went into auto pilot mode and after a quick call to my boss got her to the vets ASAP.
It must have been the longest 21 minute drive EVER! Marlot was taken straight in when I arrived, the bee sting pulled out of her nose and given a large dose of antihistamine to bring down the swelling. I couldn't leave until her heart rate had gone down as the vet said small puppies can go in anaphylactic shock so we needed to stay there.
I am so thankful to say that as I write this Marlot is at home safe and recovered, most likely eating the cat. She looks completely back to normal and escaped having to be pumped full of steroids.
I went to work yesterday and the world kept on moving!
But last night when I finally sat down after a day at work, my housemates had left for dinner and I was with my thoughts, it hit me. That feeling started to creep up inside of me.
Marlot could have died.
I am a shit owner.
I couldn't ring my Mum for help.
I didn't even know how to get to the vets.
I am so isolated in this place.
I got inside my head and weighted down by all of this negative thinking. I was tired from 4 hours sleep the previous night and I saw no way out of it. So I ate 17 biscuits and a plate of wedges. Yes I can hear you laughing! My boss did the same thing and I can actually laugh about it today because it seems sooooooo silly now! But at the time I was so upset and saw no other way to cheer myself up. But I want out of this ridiculous cycle! I know i'm not a big girl but i'm not happy with what i'm doing to myself and I want the control back.
So this is me, baring it all. Admitting that although I love, love, LOVE my new life here in Australia I do get a bit sad by it all sometimes and turn to food for comfort.
I'm sad that I can't call my Mum in a time of need.
I'm sad that my Aunty is suffering with cancer and í'm not there to give her a hug.
I'm sad that there are friend's babies i've not even met yet.
I'm sad that my puppy isn't playing with our family dog.
And i'm sad that chocolate just doesn't taste the same over here!
All this being said, i'm glad that it happened. My wonderful friend woke me up with a healthy breakfast this morning, she made me a salad for lunch and she sat me down to talk things over. Something i've been trying my best to avoid because a part of me feels like i'm a failure or somehow ungrateful if I talk about missing home. Others out there are suffering on a daily basis and i'm moaning because I miss my Mum. A risk I took when I moved here.
It's made me realise that it's ok to be open and honest about things, that it is normal to miss the place I grew up in and have 25 years worth of memories. Dealing with the feeling is better than burying it with biscuits and waking up the next day wracked with guilt. Instead of pretending to myself and to others that I am happy 100% of the time, I will be honest and i'll work through it.
Yes I have the best job that has allowed me to do and see things I never could have done in England.
Yes I have the most amazing friends who feel like they have been a part of my life forever.
Yes I have a lifestyle most people dream of.
But it is ok despite all of the above to sometimes just miss riding my pony with my cousins in our flooded school because it's pissed it down with rain all month and feel a little bit lonely because of it. I'm only human.
So in light of last night's feast supreme I have come up with a plan to help me the next time a situation like this might present itself. Behold my list!
Whenever I feel like a naughty little binge i'll do these things instead, work through my list and end it with some sleep. Because let's face it, there's nothing like a new day to help you move on and put things into perspective.
The most recent task I have to complete for the Michelle Bridges 12wbt is the "Commitment'' task. So here is my commitment to myself and for all to read - I will do this for myself and I shall smash the 12 weeks! It will be hard sometimes but that's ok, i'll work through it and i'll be honest the entire journey.
Who knows, perhaps being so open about what i'm doing and why will not only help me but others out there who are in a similar situation? That would be pretty cool :)
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